Saturday, April 05, 2008

How to create an intelligent fuckup control system

Objective: To prevent bloodsucker client refuse to pay after project end.

Reason: Engineering seems to be "free" for most of the people, but time is not free. Time is money. Whether the hardware cost is cheap or expensive, we still need to feed the engineer with rice.

Initial step, once after successful of commissioning the control system, a "Welcome" screen will be showed at the SCADA just like when you install the Windows. The user needs to agree to the terms and conditions before they can start to use the control system. Therefore, remember to include a term say that if the client refuse to pay after a certain period, the system will refuse to work or go crazy :)

Once the agreement has been digitally agreed, an initial bit will be sent to PLC to activates the hidden sequence.

Before I proceed to the next step, the key of success for this system are:

1. All the control must be done in PLC.
2. The PLC program need to be encrypted or password protected.

Ok, now the user is using the SCADA happily. Day after day, and it is invoice time. So a message will popup on the SCADA screen and said something like this:

Thank you for using the control system done by [company name]. We hope you are happy using it. Anyway, our engineers need to pay their car loan and take care their girl friend(s), so I hope you will pay us punctually in order to keep my engineer continue work for me. If you already make a payment, kindly key in the payment code in the box below. Thank you.

Payment Code : _______________________

PS, Don’t try to brute force the code, I will not responsible for typo that you make and please don’t ignore this also.

Ok, at this point there will be two possibilities; the client tries to guess the code or the client pay to get the code. If the client tries their luck, a warning message will warn the client if they guess it wrongly and after three tries, the fuckup sequence will be activated. If the client ignores the message, the fuckup sequence will be automatically activated after seven days from the end of "trial period".

Now, let say the client agreed to pay you the bad debt, so you will give them the code to let them continue using the control system happily. Another key of success is you must create few temporary deactivation codes and a total deactivation code. Say, the client agreed to pay you but only partial or a bounce check. In this case, don’t worry, let them enjoy another cycle of happiness and when the time come, the warning message will pop up again :). This time they client will beg you like dog. Only give the total deactivation code after you have receive all the payment.

Until this stage, I would like to share some fuckup sequences with you all.

1. Basic fuckup sequence
This is the most peaceful and basic fuckup level. Basically you just need to deactivate the whole control system. So the operator need to operate the plant at local mode, no PID tuning, no report, no trending, no alarm. Most of the people like to use this kind of fuckup sequence when they protest. The damage level: 0-30%.

2. Professional fuckup sequence
In this level of fuckup sequence, the control system will still keep on running, but sometime it work, sometime it don’t. When the operator calls the pump to run, it goes run the cooling tower, or when the operator calls for stop, the system just ignore the command, or run the chiller at night when no load is required and stop the chiller at noon and let those operators run up and down. The damage level: 40%-60%.

3. The ultimate fuckup sequence
I start to like the word ultimate, it feel so powerful when using this word ;). In this level, the control system will try to show who the boss is. When the operator calls to run the pump, the pump will run but the valve will off, and it will intermittently run and stop the pump and chiller. Then if the system got ice storage, try to run the ice storage pump to maximum speed in the morning and pump it into the heat exchanger and let the -5 deg. c solution freeze the water in the heat exchanger and let it burst. The damage level: 80%-100%.

So to all the owner and client, we, the control engineer, is very kind person. We work non stop 365x24x7 every day, we try our best to make you happy and we also hope to buy a new luxury car or new luxury house like you. Therefore please pay us the engineering fees which is actually exchanged with our knowledge and time. It is not very expensive compare to your cars or houses, so pay us and you can sleep in peace. Thank you.