Saturday, April 05, 2008

How to create an intelligent fuckup control system

Objective: To prevent bloodsucker client refuse to pay after project end.

Reason: Engineering seems to be "free" for most of the people, but time is not free. Time is money. Whether the hardware cost is cheap or expensive, we still need to feed the engineer with rice.

Initial step, once after successful of commissioning the control system, a "Welcome" screen will be showed at the SCADA just like when you install the Windows. The user needs to agree to the terms and conditions before they can start to use the control system. Therefore, remember to include a term say that if the client refuse to pay after a certain period, the system will refuse to work or go crazy :)

Once the agreement has been digitally agreed, an initial bit will be sent to PLC to activates the hidden sequence.

Before I proceed to the next step, the key of success for this system are:

1. All the control must be done in PLC.
2. The PLC program need to be encrypted or password protected.


Ok, now the user is using the SCADA happily. Day after day, and it is invoice time. So a message will popup on the SCADA screen and said something like this:

Thank you for using the control system done by [company name]. We hope you are happy using it. Anyway, our engineers need to pay their car loan and take care their girl friend(s), so I hope you will pay us punctually in order to keep my engineer continue work for me. If you already make a payment, kindly key in the payment code in the box below. Thank you.

Payment Code : _______________________

PS, Don’t try to brute force the code, I will not responsible for typo that you make and please don’t ignore this also.

Ok, at this point there will be two possibilities; the client tries to guess the code or the client pay to get the code. If the client tries their luck, a warning message will warn the client if they guess it wrongly and after three tries, the fuckup sequence will be activated. If the client ignores the message, the fuckup sequence will be automatically activated after seven days from the end of "trial period".

Now, let say the client agreed to pay you the bad debt, so you will give them the code to let them continue using the control system happily. Another key of success is you must create few temporary deactivation codes and a total deactivation code. Say, the client agreed to pay you but only partial or a bounce check. In this case, don’t worry, let them enjoy another cycle of happiness and when the time come, the warning message will pop up again :). This time they client will beg you like dog. Only give the total deactivation code after you have receive all the payment.

Until this stage, I would like to share some fuckup sequences with you all.

1. Basic fuckup sequence
This is the most peaceful and basic fuckup level. Basically you just need to deactivate the whole control system. So the operator need to operate the plant at local mode, no PID tuning, no report, no trending, no alarm. Most of the people like to use this kind of fuckup sequence when they protest. The damage level: 0-30%.

2. Professional fuckup sequence
In this level of fuckup sequence, the control system will still keep on running, but sometime it work, sometime it don’t. When the operator calls the pump to run, it goes run the cooling tower, or when the operator calls for stop, the system just ignore the command, or run the chiller at night when no load is required and stop the chiller at noon and let those operators run up and down. The damage level: 40%-60%.

3. The ultimate fuckup sequence
I start to like the word ultimate, it feel so powerful when using this word ;). In this level, the control system will try to show who the boss is. When the operator calls to run the pump, the pump will run but the valve will off, and it will intermittently run and stop the pump and chiller. Then if the system got ice storage, try to run the ice storage pump to maximum speed in the morning and pump it into the heat exchanger and let the -5 deg. c solution freeze the water in the heat exchanger and let it burst. The damage level: 80%-100%.

So to all the owner and client, we, the control engineer, is very kind person. We work non stop 365x24x7 every day, we try our best to make you happy and we also hope to buy a new luxury car or new luxury house like you. Therefore please pay us the engineering fees which is actually exchanged with our knowledge and time. It is not very expensive compare to your cars or houses, so pay us and you can sleep in peace. Thank you.

11 comments:

  1. haahahahahahaaha very cool
    tapi if i was your client you'll be in trouble bro :D
    But you and i can kao tim one....

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  2. Anonymous12:18 PM

    LOL...nice one!

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  3. wan, boss. no problem. kerana mu.

    anon, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  4. good one bro....can u design one for late payment of salary and fucked up excuses for late claims ar? getting fucking fed up of horse shit excuses liao...

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  5. Anonymous5:49 PM

    Genius,

    By default, most control system are 'F... up'systems and the operators will change to the ultimate control system within few months which is called .... "Manual Mode"

    How u want to 'cha' the payment??

    ReplyDelete
  6. jamie, will consider this.

    pitam, boss, so free to read my blog ah. agreed with your statement: most control specialist are actually fucker.

    i really hope 1 day there will no more control system in our project, let those professional operator to operate the plant manually.

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  7. Anonymous12:09 PM

    Profession operators won't try run on manual mode (unless the management dun pay and Ding messed up the control system).

    They will input their operations knowledge and philosophy for a good control system to run the plant.

    Hence, a good control system requires proper integration between operators and people like Ding.

    Jamie, interest for late payment should be the solution but you can wait till you neck erects (like after taking 100 viagras pills) and it still will not happen.
    Just hope and pray that company cashflow is healthy.....which seems it never have been since I remembered (or told).

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  8. anon, i always agreed the statement you make,

    "They (operators) will input their operations knowledge and philosophy for a good control system to run the plant."

    i think i can sleep well if these so called operator know what they are doing and willing to do the job. i saw lot of plants with some peoples (operators) running around and know nothing or maybe pretend to know nothing. at the end, i need to attend the site cause people "dont know".

    the problem of bolehland o&m is that they thought a control system will work for itself and maintenanceless. the 1st facility and the worst management.

    try dont maintain your car see how far can it go.

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  9. anon: interest on late payment won't happen even is Hell freezes over...

    whats the fucking point of busting our balls off to "beg" for fast approval for our monthly progressive claims when ( as you said ) the fucking cash flow is ALWAYS NOT HEALTHY.....KNN!!!

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  10. Anonymous2:46 AM

    hahaha...

    Very easy if customer not pay the money...

    Let try do something for you DiNg!

    Yupe, if all not more Automatic system - PLC, it is time for me to change to another line... maybe open a restaurant or try to register for the Superstar lo hehehe... Ding, i will help you to register one...

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  11. Anonymous3:06 AM

    It is a good idea, actually, i also did one in last time.

    It is really work! Hahaha Don't Worry. It is not put in your Control System! Hehehehe...

    I wonder why i not put those things in your System... Your company also very late to pay money to my ex-company. I also need to eat rice one... because of you, i claim my money very late until i kena charge by credit card 18%. I should claim back from you plus interest???? Hahahaha

    Aiya... i should do this to you too... and not let you sleep in peace. Don't worry, i will trigger the "BOOM" sharp at mid night. hahahaha. Anyway, before the BOOM Start! i will give you call 5 min before...BOOM triggered.

    Anyway, it is just a past tense.
    Anything, i said here is just bla bla bla nia... just forget it after read.

    ReplyDelete